Interview

So, I decided to ring in 2009 by participating in this interview. I found out about it over at Somi. If you have never checked out her blog I highly suggest that you head on over. Nilsa covers a little bit of everything from BlogSecret to just recently getting married and she is one of those bloggers that you will find there almost every weekday. I love that! To participate in this interview there are the following rules:

1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (And your e-mail address, please.)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Not too difficult, yes? So, Somi asked me the following questions.

1.) Name only one blogger you really respect and tell me why. I believe that the blogging world is similar to a collection of friends. In circles of friends there are typically different people who you would consult with on various things or for various reasons. Most recently I have huge admiration for this blog and journey. I truly admire boho girl's open heart, candor, and truth. Most recently she and her husband have adopted a lovely baby named Cedar. If you do not know the story of their adoption it is truly an incredible journey filled to the brim with amazing people. Her experiences remind me that often the road to what we long for is bumpy and drawn out, but that persistence, hope, and faith carry us through.

2.) If you had to pick a non-urban, U.S. destination in which to vacation for a week, where would you go? I would go anywhere that there were mountains, a small quaint downtown, and a lake. I can think of many places that I have been that fit this description, but I want to go somewhere new. Any suggestions that fall into this criteria???

3.) If you had $500 to spend on housing, food and entertainment for the trip mentioned in (2), how would you spend it? I would spend the majority of my money renting a small house where I could walk out my door and go on long hikes with my superpup. The remainder of my money I would spend on purchasing groceries. I love spending hours preparing a meal or making a new recipe when time is not a factor. The great thing about the mountains is that I barely need money for entertainment as I can be entertained by outdoor activites for free.

4.) Tell me about one person with whom you've lost touch. If you hope for a reunion, how would you like that reunion to take place? I was a United States Peace Corps Volunteer from September 2002 through November 2004 in Zambia. There were about 24 others that were apart of my group. I keep up with some of my fellow volunteers by phone, e-mail, or facebook, but one of my closer friends, Christina and I have completely lost touch. A bunch of us were together for New Years Eve in NYC to ring in 2005 and that was the last time that I have seen or talked to her. I would love to reunite with her. From a friendship that began in the bush of Africa we really would not need much entertainment. I would be all for a comfortable evening with no time constraints to sit outside, drink wine, and talk until there is nothing left but a comfortable silence.

5.) In 2008, what was your biggest achievement and your biggest failure/disappointment? I am going to take the liberty of beginning with the biggest disappointment first and then end on an up note here. Without a doubt the biggest disappointment of 2008 was the end of a long-term relationship with a man that I truly adored, the cancellation of our engagement, and the selling of our house. My biggest achievement in 2008 was the undercovering of a new path for myself which will include an extended trip to Europe, graduate school, and a new career path in 2009.

Well, that is it for the questions I was asked. Like I said if you are interested in participating leave a comment with your e-mail address. Happy New Year everyone!

Haunted

This year have been tough, raw, emotional, and exhausting to me. I have been silent for long periods trying to regroup. I have felt lost as well as completely stuck and honestly a bit miserable. Sometimes I feel like this is not the truth that people want to hear from me in person or on my blog, but it is my truth.

I have cried more in the last year than I have probably cried my entire life. That is not like me, but it is okay. I have felt pain in every crevice of my body. I am still feeling it everyday. It comes in waves of a flood of emotion. It can be spurred on by the smallest of incidents. See I am now haunted by a ghost. The memories lie everywhere. The house may have been sold, but I still see him in the smallest pieces of my everyday. He even haunts my dreams.

I open a drawer to pull out something to wear and I will see a shirt that I remember wearing when we did this or that. I took a roadtrip to see an old friend, but I had to pass the exit for the place we were supposed to say I do. I will pull on my favorite lounge wear and recall that these pants are not really mine. I will be out with friends and will see game scores for his favorite teams. Friends begin comments that they do not finish and in the silence we both know that he fills in the blanks.

I wonder when these feelings will end? When will I no longer feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat or scream at the top of lungs until I am hoarse? At what point, will I reside myself to the fact that there was nothing that I could have done differently to have changed the outcome? I look forward to a day that I can say this is how it was meant to be.

Signs

Today I grabbed lunch by myself at a local Chinese restaurant. I was sitting there reading a book that a dear friend gave me called, "My Horizontal Life" by Chelsea Handler. For those who don't know her she was on "Girls Behaving Badly" and she is comedian. I must admit that she is a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. Her book is one of those that literally has me laughing out loud in public places all by myself. I have gotten stared down multiple times for my odd behavior. I suppose laughing aloud is unacceptable. Anyhow, I must warn you that her book is a bit (OK maybe more than a bit) crude, but if you like a good laugh and are not easily offended then you may enjoy this read.

Anyhow, my lunch arrives as does my fortune cookie. For some reason I have gotten into a habit of opening my fortune cookie before I ever taste my Chinese food. In addition, after retrieving my fortune I throw the cookie away as I am just not in love with the taste. So, I open the cookie, pull out my fortune, and this is what I read, "You are headed in the right direction." It is ironic that those words are exactly the affirmation that I needed today. I understand that fortunes are like horoscopes in that many think they hold no meaning. Yet, today I choose to believe that my fortune holds some relevance for me.

It was almost exactly this time last year that I was sharing the news of my engagement with the blogosphere. The past year has been full of so many turbulences from accepting an engagement, to planning a wedding, to canceling a wedding, loosing one of my best friends, selling my house, etc. Now I am at the point where I am amending my dreams. It has been a long and confusing journey for me. I am in the beginnings stages of planning a new future for myself. I am working on booking a trip to Madrid and to France, training for a half marathon, looking into going back to school, setting up some one on one photography training, more to come on all this shortly.

So, today as I prepare to go on the first date I have been on in years with anyone other than my ex I am thankful. I needed confirmation "[that I] was headed in the right direction." What signs do you see around you or do you think such is nonsense???

Love Thursday

I had the honor of reading the following poem at Robin and Niko's wedding in Costa Rica. I could not resist honoring them here for a little Thursday Love.

"Love Is" by Nikki Giovanni


Some people forget that love is

tucking you in and kissing you "Good night"

no matter how young or old you are


Some people don't remember that love is

listening and laughing and asking questions

no matter what your age


Few recognize that love is

commitment responsibility no fun at all

unless


Love is

You and me

Tranquilo

 

In my last post, I briefly mentioned a trip to Costa Rica last week. I have to be honest by saying that I was a bit hesitate about this trip. The main reason for this is that I was going to attend the wedding of a dear friend. Although, I could not be happier for her I was afraid that observing all the wedding festivities may be difficult for me based on recent circumstances. It is funny how things work out though because this trip was exactly the thing I needed and it could not have come at a better time.

There were only 49 guests who attended the wedding and many of us made a mini vacation out of the trip by staying several additional days. I would venture to guess that half of the guests were family and the remaining half was friends. I knew a good portion of the individuals attending, but certainly not everyone. However, when you have such a small group who has the same individuals in common then it is easy to find things in common with each other. There was definitely a fun and interesting crew there.

For those who may be wondering, tranquilo is Spanish for relax and that is exactly what I did. I turned my cell phone off and did not check it again until I got back to Atlanta five days later. Also, I refused to check my e-mail although there was internet access at the hotel. I was actually so relaxed that during a massage, overlooking the ocean, I fell asleep complete with drool and all. I have never fallen asleep during a massage before. We went horseback riding. I zip lined through an incredible canopy of trees. I even zip lined upside down as well as in the Superman pose. There were moments in the sauna, mud baths, mineral spas, hours in the hot tub as well as the pool, reuniting with old friends, establishing new friendships, and most importantly a renewal of my spirit.

I enjoyed observing both my friend Robin and her now husband Niko in the days leading up to the wedding. They were completely tranquilo and enjoying themselves. As they stood to say their vows it was evident to all that they had no reservations. Watching their absolute certainty was a wake-up call for me. Why would I want to spend my life with someone who was not sure that they wanted to spend it with me? I deserve much better than that.

Silence Broken

To anyone who drove by my house today it would have appeared like a normal evening. Amiri and I were diligently working in the yard. It was perfect weather for yard work as the temperatures were mild and it was overcast. We spent time raking decaying leaves from the perimeter of hedges, trimming bushes, and bagging everything. Geraniums were planted in the pots flanking the doorway in brilliant colors of pink and red, yet things were not at all how they may have appeared from an outsider’s perspective.

The steps that we were taking were not merely the due diligence of any homeowner they were steps towards an end. It has been over a month ago now that he told me he had "concerns about the wedding." As the days and weeks have passed realities were unveiled which revealed glimpses of exactly what those concerns entail. I wish that I had more concrete evidence regarding when the turning point was or what sparked it. All that I am really left knowing is that his "feelings have changed about me."

All this has been devastating to say the least. My mind feels like a movie reel where scenes from a life I once new play over and over again. Our memory can often be our biggest downfall in times such as these. I retrace words spoken; actions played out, and moments spent together and wonder if all that I saw and thought was a lie. During the past weeks he has seen depression rear it's ugly and unpredictable head in his life. I am left pondering what came first, problems that he saw in our relationship or the depression? Then I wonder if the answers really matter, but oh how I long for answers. I am baffled by the stirrings he felt in his soul and how he never talked to me about them until he was unwilling to make any efforts toward change. Is that how little I mattered to him?

So the strides made in the yard today were baby steps for a new journey into unchartered territories. We are preparing to sell the house. The majority of his belongings are at a new resident. All the vendors have been contacted about the wedding that was. In the meantime, I am left at the house haunted by the ghosts that seem to occupy every single crevice of a place which used to be sacred to me. It is amazing how quickly all that we thought we knew, that was, and that we were can change.

During this difficult time my friends and family have been an incredible support system for me. I have felt guilty that suddenly all my conversations revolve around my personal crisis. I received a card from a good friend the other day and she reminded me of a conversation that we had prior to Amiri and I moving in together. I asked her something to the effect of "how one knows for sure?" She responded by saying, "you can't." She then proceeded to say, “There is an element of chance in everything we do. But, I hope that you realize (whatever the outcome) that it was worth taking the risk." Those words have brought me a tremendous amount of peace over the past few days. So, this evening I rejoice in the risks that I have taken as well as the ones in store for me in the future.

Wedding

Trying to plan a wedding is one of the more stressful tasks that I have undertaken. One moment people are telling me, "Heather, do whatever will make you and Amiri happy". However, in the next sentence I hear them saying something that completely contradicts what was said a minute before.

After much research and visiting many places, we have finally decided on the place where we will say, "I do". You can check it out online at www.hiddenriverevents.com I am very excited about the location as it is in between Asheville and Black Mountain, NC. The one thing that I was adamant about was that we get married in the mountains. If you have read my previous posts I'm sure that you understand why. It will be an outdoor affair that I hope will be a reflection of each of our spirits and most importantly fun for all. The day that we visited Hidden River it was raining so the shot above is a bit dreary, but we fell in love with the spot despite the conditions.

If any of you have any suggestions for me regarding planning, etc I am all ears. I can use all the help that I can get.