Welcome Home

I want to send out a special message to my brother in law who just returned from a 15 month deployment the other day. The photo above is one that my sister's mother in law took as the family reunited. I love the pure glee that it captured here. My sister said that my niece, Lillian, could not have been programmed to respond any better. Evidently Lillian was extremely excited to see her daddy and was smothering him with hugs and kisses. I know this special family just received the best Christmas gift ever. Welcome home Christian! I look forward to seeing you soon.

Family Fun

For those of you who follow along here on a regular basis or who know me personally know my best friend. If you know her then you know how incredible she is and if you do not know her then I wish you the opportunity someday. She is funny, caring, brillant, fun, a great listener, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. Over the past few months, she along with her fabulous husband (whom I keep telling I want to clone, but he says he is too tired) and their lovely daughter have opened their home to me as well.

Since the selling of my home I have been staying with this lovely family of three. It has been nice to have such a support network at home as well as have a place to relax until I determine what my next move is. Many people ask how is it living there and I think that they are waiting for some huge drama to spill out, but it is perfectly normal and comfortable. We have decided that people really are not meant to live in their own little family units and that things work much better when there is a mini village to assist.

If you stop in over the holidays you will find all four of our stockings hanging by the fireplace. They are knit in lovely white, green, and pinks. Unless you looked very closely you would never notice the masking tape that my name is on. These are the types of things that Kristi will do to make sure that I feel at home. I will have you know that when the lettering on the masking tape did not match the embroidery on the other stockings close enough she did it again until she was happy.

So as I continue to play around with photography I had the honor of taking these three out to the park and trying to capture a few shots that they may find Christmas card worthy before the battery on my camera died. Note to self always travel with extra batteries. So without further ado please meet Kristi, Clint, Lillian, and stay tuned for the baby boy who will arrive in March.

Girls Just Wanta Have Fun

In my quest to learn more about photography I have been trying to cease the moment and take photos of friends and family alike. Basically whoever I can convince to be my subject is who I shoot. During a weekend spent in the mountains I had the opportunity to photograph Julianna and her best friend Sandy. They were complete naturals. I love girls with their best friends. It doesn't seem to take them long to forget that I am even there.

Julianna is a lady very close to my heart. The biggest thing that we have in common is that we consider the same woman to be our mother although neither of us are related to her by blood. I will leave the majority of that story for a rainy day. One little tidbit for you is that Julianna was adopted from China. I still remember the day that she was strolled off that plane in Charlotte with a large group of people anxiously awaiting her arrival. We all loved her before we had even met her. That was at least twelve years ago now. Julianna has grown into one of the most incredible young ladies ever. I can't wait to see where this journey of life takes her. She is brilliant, beautiful, sweet, thoughtful, and so much fun.

Julianna and Sandy have been friends pretty much from the time that she came to the United States on. Sandy is also an amazing young lady who is certain to keep a smile on your face. I hope you enjoy a small glimpse into an incredible friendship...

Adopted???

My sister and I have many things in common. We are both outspoken, like to entertain, understand the dynamics of our family better than anyone else, we enjoy long walks, time outdoors, as well as gardening, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. On the other hand, we are also drastically different. Our differences are most evident when looking at our religious, political, and social views.

Last Friday, as I headed to Richmond, I called my sister. We typically talk on a daily basis. She is a McCain supporter so I decided to ask what she thought about McCain's Vice Presidential candidate choice, Sarah Palin. She proceeded to let me know that she was not at all happy about this decision. So, I probed regarding what she was disappointed about. This is when the bomb dropped. My wonderful loving sister then said, "I don't think that women should hold such roles of authority. It is OK for women to be teachers, but not ministers, president, or vice president." At this point, I was absolutely speechless for one of the first times in my life. I think that she thought I had dropped the call because as time passed with her calling my name it took all the strength my vocal cords had to whisper, "I'm here, just speechless."

Her comment launched us into further discussion regarding exactly where she thinks the line should be drawn as far as women holding roles of authority. When our conversation was over I still did not have a clear view on where she saw that line. It is difficult for me to comprehend that it is OK for a woman to educate our future ministers, presidents, and vice presidents, but that she has no business in those roles herself. I am a firm believer in selecting the best person for the job regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation, religion, etc. I mean is that not the same as saying that Obama should not be President because he is black? Are these thoughts common amongst conservatives?

My sister states based on her biblical research she does not believe that women should hold such roles. Now I certainly do not consider myself to be an expert on biblical matters, but as the daughter of a Methodist minister I have spent a lot of my life in church and I must have completely missed those lessons. She went on to further explain that she believes that a woman's main role should be to act as a wife and a mother. Now that is all fine and dandy, but not every woman may have those opportunities. For example, whose to say that I will ever get married? One of my friends says, "The only thing worse than never marrying is marrying the wrong person". If I do not marry then the only way that I will have children is if I go to Africa and adopt. Keep in mind that I would not rule such an option out. Back to my point though, isn't being a mother a role of authority or am I completely out of the loop?

Anyhow, this whole story gets me back to the title of this post. After the said conversation I called my father and told him that I was very disappointed that he had never told me that I was adopted. I then went on to say that I was thirty years old and it was about time that I knew the truth. He was completely confused and then I explained the story to him and told him that I was certain that it was impossible for two individuals to be related and view the world from such entirely different perspectives. He was dying laughing by this point. My father knows both of us very well, but he is very aware of how different we are.

Now many may be thinking that my sister is going to kill me for sharing this story, but that is not at all the case. I told her that I was so floored by the conversation and I knew I would have to include this one on my blog. She laughed and said that was fine. She is not ashamed of her views nor am I. The thing that I find incredible about our relationship is despite our VERY different views we are able to discuss them without arguing, listening to both sides of the story, and agreeing to disagree. I wish that there was a lot more of that mentality in politics today. So what do think about women as ministers, presidents, vice presidents, etc? Am I just a crazy liberal or what?

Renewal

I have finally returned to this place which was previously such a creative outlet for me. The past four months have been the most difficult I have ever experienced. I have been full of so many emotions that at times I was overwhelmed. I decided that visiting with a therapist may help me to work through some of the loss that I was experiencing. She said that the end of a relationship is similar to a death and with any loss there are 5 phases that a person passes through. The phases are depression, grief, anger, denial, and acceptance. In order to heal every person must experience each phase, but you do not necessarily go through each phase in a specific order. So to give you a brief idea of what the past four months have been like would be to say there were days that I experienced all five phases in the same day. It has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I was fearful of writing anything as my thoughts changed from hour to hour. I also grew up with the mentality that, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." However, I am outgrowing this rule as venting seems to pull a large weight from my shoulders.

Without overwhelming you with every personal detail I will say that finding closure has been difficult as there were months of back and forth. Finally, I saw the writing on the wall and came to the point that I am now where I decided that I had done my very best, but this was not meant to be. This was a really tough place to come to as I believed that by giving up on this relationship that I was somehow quitting. I am of the opinion that once you say yes to a marriage proposal that you should be as equally committed as you would be the day that you say your vows and each day that follows. I was the person that I just described and then I realized that things had been revealed to me and it was OK if that changed my intentions. I was not married yet and that is the biggest blessing of this whole situation.

I sent a friend some photos from my recent trip to Costa Rica and she sent me an e-mail back saying that I looked incredibly happy in the photos. She went on to say, "Not that it makes all the hell you have gone through okay, because it wasn't and isn't, but maybe there were reasons for it that we could not have seen at the time. The preparation for true and real and lasting happiness." This comment has really warmed my soul over the past few days and I believe that it is true.

I am not sure if this is typical or not, but over this whole ordeal I felt like I had lost parts of my own character. I was suddenly playing different roles with family, friends, colleagues, etc. While I was in Costa Rica I felt layers of emotions role away and part of me begin to blossom again. This trip could not have occurred at a better time. Stay tuned for more on Costa Rica...

Silence Broken

To anyone who drove by my house today it would have appeared like a normal evening. Amiri and I were diligently working in the yard. It was perfect weather for yard work as the temperatures were mild and it was overcast. We spent time raking decaying leaves from the perimeter of hedges, trimming bushes, and bagging everything. Geraniums were planted in the pots flanking the doorway in brilliant colors of pink and red, yet things were not at all how they may have appeared from an outsider’s perspective.

The steps that we were taking were not merely the due diligence of any homeowner they were steps towards an end. It has been over a month ago now that he told me he had "concerns about the wedding." As the days and weeks have passed realities were unveiled which revealed glimpses of exactly what those concerns entail. I wish that I had more concrete evidence regarding when the turning point was or what sparked it. All that I am really left knowing is that his "feelings have changed about me."

All this has been devastating to say the least. My mind feels like a movie reel where scenes from a life I once new play over and over again. Our memory can often be our biggest downfall in times such as these. I retrace words spoken; actions played out, and moments spent together and wonder if all that I saw and thought was a lie. During the past weeks he has seen depression rear it's ugly and unpredictable head in his life. I am left pondering what came first, problems that he saw in our relationship or the depression? Then I wonder if the answers really matter, but oh how I long for answers. I am baffled by the stirrings he felt in his soul and how he never talked to me about them until he was unwilling to make any efforts toward change. Is that how little I mattered to him?

So the strides made in the yard today were baby steps for a new journey into unchartered territories. We are preparing to sell the house. The majority of his belongings are at a new resident. All the vendors have been contacted about the wedding that was. In the meantime, I am left at the house haunted by the ghosts that seem to occupy every single crevice of a place which used to be sacred to me. It is amazing how quickly all that we thought we knew, that was, and that we were can change.

During this difficult time my friends and family have been an incredible support system for me. I have felt guilty that suddenly all my conversations revolve around my personal crisis. I received a card from a good friend the other day and she reminded me of a conversation that we had prior to Amiri and I moving in together. I asked her something to the effect of "how one knows for sure?" She responded by saying, "you can't." She then proceeded to say, “There is an element of chance in everything we do. But, I hope that you realize (whatever the outcome) that it was worth taking the risk." Those words have brought me a tremendous amount of peace over the past few days. So, this evening I rejoice in the risks that I have taken as well as the ones in store for me in the future.

Balancing Act

I have been a bit overwhelmed recently by the length of my to-do lists. This explains part of my absence from blogging. The days, weeks, and even months do not seem long enough to complete everything that I want to accomplish or each moment that I want to relish in. I feel like a large portion of my weekends are spent preparing for the next week: cleaning, getting groceries, doing laundry, etc. I am struggling to find balance in my days between routine activities, work, family, friends, wedding planning, dinners, a fiancé, moments for self development, exercise, and many other things. Yes, this may be reality, but it is not a reality that I am fond of.

My regular rat race is getting to me. I am aware that a lot of my frustration is from my own need for perfection. I must find a way to let go of some things so that I can find some time to relax. I fill my days to a point that has become unhealthy. One of my colleagues asked me the other day, "Heather do you ever just stop and relax?" The question kind of caught me off guard, but the answer is not enough. If I feel this way I can not imagine how mothers with children feel. Bottom line I am striving for more balance in my days. I need to distribute the hours of my days better between the things that are most important to me.

I am certain that I am not alone in my struggle for balance in my daily life. If you have a moment please leave me a comment to let me know what helps you balance this juggling act?

Skyline and Car trails

2008 is shaping up to be a very interesting year. The photo above is a sample of some things that we worked on in photography class last week. Although, it was a really cold evening to be out taking photos we had a great time photographing the Charlotte skyline. I must admit that I was exhausted before heading to my class and I was lacking my usual enthusiasm, however as soon as I got behind my tripod I began to relax.

I love city skylines. I often intentionally take certain routes home so that I can get a glimpse of my favorite views of Charlotte's skyline. However, this year may find our car trailing on unfamiliar roads as we view new city skylines. I recently found out that I have been selected to be a part of a Management Training program for work. They selected about 25 individuals from throughout the country. The program will find me traveling to California later this month and then to Massachusetts two other times this year. The big adjustment in regards to this program is that I am being groomed for a District Sales Manager position anywhere in the country.

Although I am honored and excited about this opportunity I must admit that I feel a bit nervous. Self doubt has quickly found a place in my mind and is asking me all sorts of questions like am I really ready to manage a team of other sales professionals, what do I possibly have to teach them, etc. Then after spending many years in other cities as well as on another continent I question whether I am interested in moving once again.

At the moment, I am letting this new challenge sink in. I am trying not to entertain too many what ifs until there is an actual offer on the table. Once there is an actual offer to review then I can spend more time balancing the pros and cons. For now I continue to relish in the comfort of a great network of friends and family close by.

Goodbyes

For those of you who don't know my sister, Ginger, she is an absolutely amazing person. Ginger has the ability to understand me in a way that few can. She knows the characters that helped to mold me into the person who I have become, and thus when I tell her a story it requires a much shorter preference. We talk to each other daily and she helps to ground me when I want to go crazy. Now if you met both of us you might be amazed at the similarities in some of our features or the sound of our voices. Despite our similarities, in some regards, we couldn't be more different. When I think of many of my most treasured relationships I realize that they are often with people quite different from me. There is such a beauty in relationships where one is equally respective of the others differences. Accepting someone for who they are versus persuading them to be who you want them to be is awe inspiring.

Monday, Ginger's husband, left for Iraq for 15 months. I can't even begin to imagine what that must feel like. It may be a bit surreal, feel like an integral puzzle piece is missing, seem devastating as well as scary, etc.? I talked with her last night and I am amazed and inspired by her strength. It is unfathomable for me to imagine the number of individuals raising their children on their own while their spouse serves in our military. There are women and men raising their families on their own everyday and not just single parents. The thought of being married and then having your spouse leave for over a year or more brings the vow for better or worse a totally new meaning. Thomas Merton said, "Perhaps I am stronger than I think." I know that this is true for Ginger as well as many others.