Haunted

This year have been tough, raw, emotional, and exhausting to me. I have been silent for long periods trying to regroup. I have felt lost as well as completely stuck and honestly a bit miserable. Sometimes I feel like this is not the truth that people want to hear from me in person or on my blog, but it is my truth.

I have cried more in the last year than I have probably cried my entire life. That is not like me, but it is okay. I have felt pain in every crevice of my body. I am still feeling it everyday. It comes in waves of a flood of emotion. It can be spurred on by the smallest of incidents. See I am now haunted by a ghost. The memories lie everywhere. The house may have been sold, but I still see him in the smallest pieces of my everyday. He even haunts my dreams.

I open a drawer to pull out something to wear and I will see a shirt that I remember wearing when we did this or that. I took a roadtrip to see an old friend, but I had to pass the exit for the place we were supposed to say I do. I will pull on my favorite lounge wear and recall that these pants are not really mine. I will be out with friends and will see game scores for his favorite teams. Friends begin comments that they do not finish and in the silence we both know that he fills in the blanks.

I wonder when these feelings will end? When will I no longer feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat or scream at the top of lungs until I am hoarse? At what point, will I reside myself to the fact that there was nothing that I could have done differently to have changed the outcome? I look forward to a day that I can say this is how it was meant to be.

All I Want for Christmas

I am noticing that a lot of my blog titles are song titles or parts of songs. This is not on purpose in case you were wondering. Anyhow, that is just a small aside which has nothing to do with this post.

Did you know that I love Christmas? Well, I do. The photo above is one of my Christmas tree last year. It is not the best photo, but you get the idea. I am lucky to have a photo of the tree at all as the lights on that tree were the lights from hell. Yes, you heard me right. I said hell. I mean a strand or two seemed to go out every single hour and this is not a joke. I would buy new lights and the same thing would happen. Now, I am a perfectionist admittedly, but I finally had to reside myself to the fact that I was going to have a fully decorated tree with lights that did not work as the light situation was truly making me loony. Now this was easier for me to accept considering that I was out of town on Christmas day and for several days both before and after.

When I was moving back in August several of my friends, who assisted, kept saying that I had more boxes labeled Christmas than anything else. They may have been correct. Honestly I am not sure what was in each box as I do not collect kick knacks or the like. However, I do have a lot of ornaments. I collect these. People have been giving me these ornaments as gifts for years which makes it even more fun. I have the NYC taxi cab to represent my internship and time in the Big Apple. Then there is the Gingerbread Man with the AIDS ribbon on his chest to remind me of my time in Africa. There is the Christmas tree that my best friend gave me that is broken in the least visible of places and it reminds me of my time in New Orleans. See that is where that tree was broken. It fell on the hardwoods of my house there as I was putting it up.

Getting the Christmas decorations out every year is one of my favorite things. I love decorating my house and taking the trip down memory lane that many of my ornaments offer. Unfortunately, since all my stuff is sitting in a 10x15 storage unit this Chritmas I am missing doing this. Somehow, it doesn't feel quite like Christmas for me without such traditions. Then I recall several other years that I did not go through the motions that I mentioned above. There was my time in the Peace Corps where there was no traditional Christmas celebration for two years. I recall that I spent my second Christmas there seeing the Indian Ocean for the first time.

So this holiday season as I am missing parts of my traditions I am reminded that none of these things are truly what make Christmas Christmas anyhow. Everytime that I feel some tiny bit of longing I recall all that I truly have to be thankful for.

What traditions make it seem like Christmas to you? What are you most thankful for this year?

Goals

I was absent from this blog for a while. I apologize, but I have been processing some things. Often that is not the best time for me to blog as my thoughts about things can change from moment to moment. I did want to update you on a thing or two. I completed the 40 mile bike ride that I mentioned a while back. It was really a fun day. We had a group of about 5 women that did this ride together. The ride took place in Yadkinville, NC and the countryside was the perfect backdrop on an October day. By the time we arrived back at the vineyard and had lunch it was freezing so I choose to skip the wine tasting. I waited till I was back inside cuddled up by a warm fire to have my wine. Call me picky if you like. This was the first organized ride that I have ever participated in and I think that I would like to do this more often.

Now as far as the half marathon that I mentioned I have gotten behind. Ok, maybe behind is a bit too generous I have not really been doing the training that I should have. So, I will defintely not be participating in the half marathon in Charlotte this weekend. I must admit that I am a bit disappointed in myself for just letting this slide by, but I have some friends doing a half marathon in Virgina Beach in March so I am hoping to be more diligent about my training this time around and be ready for this.

I have gained some of the weight that I lost back. It is frustrating, but it is also my own fault. My health and fitness is something that has to be a consideration everyday and with each thing that I eat. When I forget this I suffer. I have thought about looking into some new forms of exercise such as yoga. What do you love doing that helps keep you fit?

Family Fun

For those of you who follow along here on a regular basis or who know me personally know my best friend. If you know her then you know how incredible she is and if you do not know her then I wish you the opportunity someday. She is funny, caring, brillant, fun, a great listener, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. Over the past few months, she along with her fabulous husband (whom I keep telling I want to clone, but he says he is too tired) and their lovely daughter have opened their home to me as well.

Since the selling of my home I have been staying with this lovely family of three. It has been nice to have such a support network at home as well as have a place to relax until I determine what my next move is. Many people ask how is it living there and I think that they are waiting for some huge drama to spill out, but it is perfectly normal and comfortable. We have decided that people really are not meant to live in their own little family units and that things work much better when there is a mini village to assist.

If you stop in over the holidays you will find all four of our stockings hanging by the fireplace. They are knit in lovely white, green, and pinks. Unless you looked very closely you would never notice the masking tape that my name is on. These are the types of things that Kristi will do to make sure that I feel at home. I will have you know that when the lettering on the masking tape did not match the embroidery on the other stockings close enough she did it again until she was happy.

So as I continue to play around with photography I had the honor of taking these three out to the park and trying to capture a few shots that they may find Christmas card worthy before the battery on my camera died. Note to self always travel with extra batteries. So without further ado please meet Kristi, Clint, Lillian, and stay tuned for the baby boy who will arrive in March.

Yes We Did

In order to do this:


Some of us stood in lines like this:


And Listened to people like this:


Now there will be no more of this:


Because we finally have this:



I am still rejoicing and it has been over a month now! Such historical change seems a bit surreal to me. Where will you be for the inguration on January 20th, 2009?

Just Pay Half

I know that a lot of people are looking for ways to save money at the moment or at least get more for your money these days. Admittedly I am not a big coupon clipper or anything. However, I did come across this website the other day and I thought that I would share it. If you live in the Charlotte area this is a great way to get more for your money and also possibly try out some places you normally would not.

The basic idea is that there are various restaurants, salons, fitness centers, etc. featured and they are offering gift certificates. If the gift certificate is worth fifty dollars then you only pay twenty five dollars for it. Check it out if you are interested. There are a variety of price ranges available. There are some limits on how many you can order. Maybe one of these will make a nice Christmas gift for someone on your list.

Oh, speaking of gifts I have been checking out Etsy for some great gift ideas. If you have come across neat gift ideas or you are creating your own gifts I would love to hear about them. I am still trying to check off everyone on my list. Happy Shopping!

Girls Just Wanta Have Fun

In my quest to learn more about photography I have been trying to cease the moment and take photos of friends and family alike. Basically whoever I can convince to be my subject is who I shoot. During a weekend spent in the mountains I had the opportunity to photograph Julianna and her best friend Sandy. They were complete naturals. I love girls with their best friends. It doesn't seem to take them long to forget that I am even there.

Julianna is a lady very close to my heart. The biggest thing that we have in common is that we consider the same woman to be our mother although neither of us are related to her by blood. I will leave the majority of that story for a rainy day. One little tidbit for you is that Julianna was adopted from China. I still remember the day that she was strolled off that plane in Charlotte with a large group of people anxiously awaiting her arrival. We all loved her before we had even met her. That was at least twelve years ago now. Julianna has grown into one of the most incredible young ladies ever. I can't wait to see where this journey of life takes her. She is brilliant, beautiful, sweet, thoughtful, and so much fun.

Julianna and Sandy have been friends pretty much from the time that she came to the United States on. Sandy is also an amazing young lady who is certain to keep a smile on your face. I hope you enjoy a small glimpse into an incredible friendship...