Haunted

This year have been tough, raw, emotional, and exhausting to me. I have been silent for long periods trying to regroup. I have felt lost as well as completely stuck and honestly a bit miserable. Sometimes I feel like this is not the truth that people want to hear from me in person or on my blog, but it is my truth.

I have cried more in the last year than I have probably cried my entire life. That is not like me, but it is okay. I have felt pain in every crevice of my body. I am still feeling it everyday. It comes in waves of a flood of emotion. It can be spurred on by the smallest of incidents. See I am now haunted by a ghost. The memories lie everywhere. The house may have been sold, but I still see him in the smallest pieces of my everyday. He even haunts my dreams.

I open a drawer to pull out something to wear and I will see a shirt that I remember wearing when we did this or that. I took a roadtrip to see an old friend, but I had to pass the exit for the place we were supposed to say I do. I will pull on my favorite lounge wear and recall that these pants are not really mine. I will be out with friends and will see game scores for his favorite teams. Friends begin comments that they do not finish and in the silence we both know that he fills in the blanks.

I wonder when these feelings will end? When will I no longer feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat or scream at the top of lungs until I am hoarse? At what point, will I reside myself to the fact that there was nothing that I could have done differently to have changed the outcome? I look forward to a day that I can say this is how it was meant to be.