Silence Broken

To anyone who drove by my house today it would have appeared like a normal evening. Amiri and I were diligently working in the yard. It was perfect weather for yard work as the temperatures were mild and it was overcast. We spent time raking decaying leaves from the perimeter of hedges, trimming bushes, and bagging everything. Geraniums were planted in the pots flanking the doorway in brilliant colors of pink and red, yet things were not at all how they may have appeared from an outsider’s perspective.

The steps that we were taking were not merely the due diligence of any homeowner they were steps towards an end. It has been over a month ago now that he told me he had "concerns about the wedding." As the days and weeks have passed realities were unveiled which revealed glimpses of exactly what those concerns entail. I wish that I had more concrete evidence regarding when the turning point was or what sparked it. All that I am really left knowing is that his "feelings have changed about me."

All this has been devastating to say the least. My mind feels like a movie reel where scenes from a life I once new play over and over again. Our memory can often be our biggest downfall in times such as these. I retrace words spoken; actions played out, and moments spent together and wonder if all that I saw and thought was a lie. During the past weeks he has seen depression rear it's ugly and unpredictable head in his life. I am left pondering what came first, problems that he saw in our relationship or the depression? Then I wonder if the answers really matter, but oh how I long for answers. I am baffled by the stirrings he felt in his soul and how he never talked to me about them until he was unwilling to make any efforts toward change. Is that how little I mattered to him?

So the strides made in the yard today were baby steps for a new journey into unchartered territories. We are preparing to sell the house. The majority of his belongings are at a new resident. All the vendors have been contacted about the wedding that was. In the meantime, I am left at the house haunted by the ghosts that seem to occupy every single crevice of a place which used to be sacred to me. It is amazing how quickly all that we thought we knew, that was, and that we were can change.

During this difficult time my friends and family have been an incredible support system for me. I have felt guilty that suddenly all my conversations revolve around my personal crisis. I received a card from a good friend the other day and she reminded me of a conversation that we had prior to Amiri and I moving in together. I asked her something to the effect of "how one knows for sure?" She responded by saying, "you can't." She then proceeded to say, “There is an element of chance in everything we do. But, I hope that you realize (whatever the outcome) that it was worth taking the risk." Those words have brought me a tremendous amount of peace over the past few days. So, this evening I rejoice in the risks that I have taken as well as the ones in store for me in the future.